Ah, Norway… Its majestic fjords, its crisp fresh air, its Nordic serenity… 🏔️✨ A paradise that has to be earned! And by “earned”, I mean surviving the obstacle course lovingly prepared by the French railways (SNCF), the Paris metro system (RATP), and the Tourist Board of Anxiety. 🚂💥

Here is the story of our pre-trip—or how to go from “enthusiastic holidaymakers” 🥳 to “exhausted Survivor contestants” 🧗‍♀️🥵 in less than eight hours.

Step 1: The Ghost Train ❌🚆

A divine stroke of intuition pushed us to leave the day before our flight. And thank goodness we did: our morning OUIGO train was cancelled. Just like that, poof! 🫠 The company kindly rescheduled us for 11:55 AM. Norway: wait and see. Stress: already waiting on the platform. ⏱️😱

Step 2: The Mystery of the Paper Ticket 🎫🔍

Once in Paris, we had to head to the airport. We opted for the safe choice: the ticket counter. 🎟️ Because Navigo passes on smartphones are like quantum physics—nobody really gets how they work. 📲🤷‍♀️ You keep adding €2 top-ups that vanish into thin air, cardboard tickets melt in your pocket… Absolute bliss! 💸🫠

At the counter, a miracle happened: they sold us plastic transit cards! 💳✨ (Spoiler: they were just clearing out leftover inventory from the Olympics 🥇). We clearly specified: “Hello, we are going to Roissy-Charles de Gaulle airport.” The agent gave us the tickets with a big smile… but forgot one tiny detail. 👀 An insignificant detail. Like: to get to CDG Airport this summer, the RER B train ONLY runs from Gare du Nord. 🤦‍♀️ Well, yeah, why ruin the surprise? 🎉

Step 3: The Saint-Germain-des-Prés Himalayas 🏔️🎒

Cruising along on the RER B, Armelle says to me: “Hey, what if we transfer at Saint-Germain instead of Les Halles? We’ll save time!” 💡 What a brilliant idea!

So off we got. Naturally, the escalators were out of order 🛑🏃‍♀️ (because otherwise it’s no fun, long live Parisian heritage!). We lugged our 20 kg suitcases up at arm’s length, thighs burning, hearts pounding. 🏋️‍♀️🔥 We reached the top… and there it was, the horror: a big red line barring the RER B route. 🚫

I ran to the counter. 🏃‍♀️ The agent looked at me with total serenity: “Well yeah lady, the station is closed for the summer. You have to go to Gare du Nord.” 🛋️😐

Back to square one. We dragged our anvils back down the stairs in reverse. 🧳🏋️‍♂️ To spice things up, the backup metro line was packed to the gills. We love it! 🚇👥👥

Step 4: Survivor at Gare du Nord 🏃‍♀️💨

Arriving at Gare du Nord, it was like the final endurance challenge—just without the wooden posts. 🪵 A dense crowd, cancelled metros, muggy heat. 🌡️🔥 The train on the platform looked like a giant tin of sardines. 🐟 — “Come on, let’s wait for the next one!” I said to Armelle. 😅 — “Not a chance!” destiny replied. 🛑 We melted, squeezed, and somehow managed to cram ourselves inside. 🫸🫷

Step 5: The Ghost Shuttle and the Ultimate Joke 🚌🤡

After this marathon, all that was left was “simply” finding the free hotel shuttle. 🏨 Round two of extreme orienteering. 🧩 We left Paris at 4:30 PM, and crossed the threshold of the hotel reception at… 8:30 PM. ⏰ Four hours to cover 30 kilometers (18 miles). A performance worthy of a Tour de France stage on a unicycle. 🚴‍♀️💨

And the cherry on top? 🎂 I had cancelled our original hotel at the very last minute 📉 (a non-refundable booking, of course, otherwise where’s the fun?) because I thought their shuttle was too expensive… only to book the Ibis Styles CDG, which offers… a paid shuttle. 💸🤡

Pure. Absolute. Genius. 🧠👏

Long story short, Norway better watch out: if we survived the Paris public transport network on a summer construction day, Scandinavian trolls won’t scare us one bit! 👹🇳🇴💪